the rawness of Christmas-it was not a silent night, there was blood on the ground. the shepherds were dirty, smelly, unclean and to them, of all people, the angels heralded their call. sweet praise!

messy, messy, messy.

birthing forth is strange, painful and messy business. it just is.

what would it mean to take a year off from Christmas? to be intentional about not just going through the hum-drum motions?

and yet grace comes in the most unexpected places. let me try to put these pieces together into something coherent.

[a story]
if there was any message whispered into this season, it would be that grace relentlessly comes in unexpected places.
-two incompletes, and a miraculous third grade
-a free cup of coffee at the bread company
-batteries on sale
-the warmth of (surrogate) family
-a new friend, reunion with a twin, and the sweetness of old friends
-midnight adventure to the forrest-laden park, just run down hills and scream! with the moon just there, dancedancedance on the haybales.
-a free box of tea at whole foods
-i was a painter as a child, and my dad saved the easel he built for me when i was four. today the easel was re-gifted to me.

[a confession]
-i have a new found love of baking bread from scratch.
-whole foods is my new grocery store of choice.
-the values and ways of being in the world, in the midwest, make more sense to me then texas--i really don't like college station.
-i can't sustain myself, koinonia in a commune seems all to appropriate to me [just call me to join, the requirement is simply to be a 'good soul']

[who we are]
but you are not your bank account, or your amibtion. you're not the cold clay lump you leave behind when you die. you're not your collection of walking personality disorders. you are spirit, you are love, and even though it is hard to believe sometimes, you are FREE. you're here to love, and be loved, freely. if you find out next week that you are terminally ill--and we're all terminally ill on this bus--what will matter are memories of beauty, that people loved you, and that you loved them.
--anne lamott

[morsels of truth in this healing process]
-anger is an acceptable emotion, that is necessary to be expressed healthily. i have a bit of catching up to do.
-i am not and cannot be responsible for everyone's salvation or emotional state of being.
-there is great value in nurturing this body, mind, and spirit
-shame, doubt, guilt, fear and despair are not from our Jesus- be gone with you!
-love is a many splinter'd thing
- i need to guard my heart

and so this day, the celebration of Christ's birth-- i find myself watching the Savior being birthed amongst my family in strange & painful ways. i can only say, BEHOLD the Lamb of God who forges a way where there is none.
messy, painful, strange--and yet sweet praise!

i dance a psalters dance.